Posts tagged life
I am so confused on what to do with my life.
I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I love my sweetie, I have 3 wonderful kids, and I live in paradise.
I wouldn’t change any of that.
What more could I want?
How about a job that pays me what I am worth for starters.
I bust my ass in a retail job where I don’t have a set schedule and almost never have a full time schedule. The pay sucks, communication sucks, but I do enjoy the actual work. I work days, nights, and weekends depending upon what they schedule me for. Sometimes I have to stay late, on last minutes notice that occasionally puts me at a 10 plus hour shift. Sometimes I get asked to work on my day off. Sometimes I have 15 hours. I never know if I will be able to pay my bills from paycheck to paycheck. Because of the hours I can’t work another part time job without risking loosing hours at my current job since they change so often. I have no benefits and most likely won’t ever be full time or qualify for benefits.
Many of my readers know my previous job was a bit dysfunctional Yeah, that is putting it mid. We don’t need to go there but it was bad. I only got this job to put my daughter through private school.
Before that I was a mother and volunteer. I didn’t finish college. My daughter was struggling with her own education at a young age and It was more important to help her than finish myself. I gained some great experience as a volunteer that while many employers find wonderful they don’t seem to allow my skills gained there to be transfered to a career. That is my perspective.
I have a dream of opening a coffee/bake shop. I have started research and started working on a business plan. I don’t know if I can pull it off. Yes, I have some doubt. Should I continue if I have doubt? I have doubt that I will ever get an investor. It is so much work and for what? If it takes me nowhere is it worth it?
I chose to be a mom. I chose not to worry about a career. Never in that time did I envision that my life would be so different that I would need a job. Now that I am nearing 40 I am worried. Worried that all I will have is crappy, low paying jobs, with no insurance and expected to kill myself for that pay check.
I have thought about going back to school. I have thought long and hard about that business of mine I want to run. I am confused on where to go. In the meantime I struggle to pay the bills, and be able to pay for medical attention when I need it. I had lived in a ghetto in Pittsburgh for over 10 years. I lived with a moron of a husband in a run down house. I had no ambition other than I wanted my kids to have better than I did. I knew what to expect and it wasn’t much. I have since moved on. I left that moron and run down house and moved far, far away. Trying to survive outside the ghetto is harder than I ever thought.
I had a blog prepared on paper yesterday all about the Pens game the night before until I got a phone call that someone from my past had passed away. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it and really still am not. It is someone I dated before I met my husband. Someone I cared for alot at the time but haven’t seen since. I did attempt to contact him online but he never responded. I am not sure what his reasons were for not responding, we didn’t break up on bad terms. Maybe he was going through too much as apparently he knew he would be going and didn’t tell his family. I wasn’t sure if I should go to the funeral but in the end have decided to.
I also have plans to go to lunch with a friend today and attend an event at one of my kids schools tonight. Hopefully I will make it to the Pittsburgh Flea on Sunday. I don’t normally blog on weekends so maybe I will have the Pittsburgh Flea to blog about by Monday. I am just not in the right frame of mind to write anymore than this………….