Posts tagged anxiety
Ever had that feeling?
Oct 17th
Do you ever get the feeling that something bad is going to happen? It has happened to me many times over the years.
One in particular in the past was while driving on the highway something horrible came over me and I told my husband to get off the highway. I didn’t know if it was just my anxiety or what but he actually listened and we never found out if I was just nuts or if anything happened. I don’t think I really wanted to know.
The night before my dog died last year both me and my youngest daughter felt something was off.
It usually doesn’t happen that often but reacently it happened twice. I never know if it’s my immediate family or someone else close to us.
Last weekend I was supposed to go on a camping trip in Ohio. Unfortunatly I wound up with bronchitis with a touch of pneumonia early in the week and sent my family without me. I had a bad feeling the night before they left but was hoping everything was ok and didn’t want to freak them out by telling them. As it happens I was meant to stay home for a very good friend of mine who needed me. Once she was okay and with me the feeling went away.
This past Sunday I woke up with that feeling. I knew something was going to go wrong. My daughter babysat for a good friend of ours only to have her call us to pick her up as he was injured in an ATV accident. He is okay but when I heard that I knew my bad feelings from that morning had let loose. The creepy part is my yougest again told me she felt something that morning as well.
Once I know what the bad thing is I feel better. Not better as in I am happy but my mental state is better because I feel like I don’t have to worry anymore.
Everything happens for a reason. I just hate waking up and spending my day worrying, waiting until something bad happens. I wish there was something I could do to know, to stop things from happening but most often I can’t and can just be there for the aftermath.
Am I nuts? Is it some womens intuition? Is there something out there telling me something? Again, am I nuts?
One day at a time
Sep 22nd
I feel better than I ever have though worry that one day the meds will stop working. I started at 20mg and am up to 60mg now.
There are some downfalls or side effects but I wouldn’t ever consider going back. I like who I am and how I feel everday.
Parts of my life have always been stressful which has never helped. Things got out of control however when I started working. I dont mind working and it has its benefits but the environment is so far from healthy I really feel it pushed my anxiety over the edge. As much as I feel better still the most stressful work days throw me close to panic if not back into it. I have had jobs in the past and anxiety all my life. I keep going, for my kids.
I am hoping that my life will change for the better soon. We have decided to move to Savannah, GA next summer if all goes well. The warm weather definetly plays a big part in my overall good feeling as well so it should help make a difference. I am also hoping that the southern hospitality makes for a better environment.
Public Transportation
May 1st
It’s a wonder why I have severe bus anxiety. For some reason when I ride public transportation there are weirdo’s abound.
I go from one ghetto neighborhood to another on my way home from work stopping downtown in between.
You know it’s not a good sign when the bus stop has an emergency button.
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Sometimes my experiences are hilarious. Sometimes they are frightening.
Isn’t this guy hot as hell? I just love me a guy who looks like he has been at a fishing luau and doesn’t fit into his shirt.
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I post many of my bus thoughts on my facebook wall. One day I posted……
“Omg this bus to home will make the boobies hard. Its freezing!”
My children informed me that it made them uncomfortable.
I don’t get what is so bad about what I said. I say plenty and they never said anything before. O well.
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Then you have a kid wandering down the east busway and his mom or whomever she was busy on her cell phone. She didn’t notice what he was doing until a bus came pretty close to him. She finally got off her phone, walked towards him, yelled at him and proceeded to smack his hand over and over. He should have never gotten as far as he did. Supervision = FAIL.
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One day I had my earphones in minding my own business when this very large man comes up to me and started talking to me. He was carrying a large duffel bag and one of his hands had like a kitchen prep glove on it. Creepy. He was telling me about getting in trouble at work for sexual harassment and just kept getting closer to me. He would tap me and say “You know?” Of coarse as much as I wanted to tell him “Leave me the fuck alone!” I knew better. I just laughed and nodded every now and then hoping the bus would come and he wouldn’t follow me home.
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I’ve had a few other people just sit next to me at the bus stop and telling me their life story’s. One of said guys asked me alot of questions about myself and I tried to be very vague in my answers without being rude and not answering at all. You just never know how someone might react when you let on you think they are nuts and don’t want to talk to them. This guy insisted on sitting next to me on the bus all the way into town talking my ear off, oh joy.
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I have many overweight friends and family. I have nothing against size in anyone. I do however have a problem with people thinking that because they don’t fit into the seat next to me it gives them the right to sit ON me. Yes, people have sat on me. I move around to announce how uncomfortable I am but they don’t take a hint. Just because I am smaller does not give you the right to sit on me! If you can’t fit that’s your problem. I swear I am a magnet for this.
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Let’s not forget about the teenagers who pile onto the bus and punch the back of seats for fun and talk extremely loud. Or the people on their cell phone yelling at whomever is on the end loud enough for everyone on the bus to here everything. Or how about the idiot talking loudly about his sex life to someone on his cell. Or the teenage girl sucking her thumb.
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Recently was the wildest experience I can ever recall having. I usually sit in the middle of the bus somewhere but I had to sit in the back as the previous bus didn’t show up so this one was pretty full. My son also boarded this bus on his way home from school and was sitting near me. As we left town the man sitting in front of me got up and asked for everyone’s attention. He was wearing this jacket with the hood over his head. He went on to say that he was not crazy and not on drugs. My heart was beating so fast. I immediately thought that he had a gun and was going to take the bus over or something, rob us, kill us, I didn’t know but I thought the worst. He told us that we were in the presence of an angel and that if we had illnesses to give him our information and he would help us. He sat down. I let out a sigh of relief but still was nervous. He then got up, knelt down in the isle of the bus and began to pray. I took a photo and posted it to facebook, just in case he did something crazy.
He sat back down but soon got up again and addressed everyone on the bus. He said he can’t believe that no one needs help. Do we realize we are in the presence of an angel? I was praying. Praying that he would get off the bus! Luckily he did not long after that and everyone on the bus was talking about it. They all felt what I did, that he may pull out a gun and go nuts.
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Maybe I should learn how to drive. I wonder how much crazier the other drivers are compared to the other bus riders.
F**K it all
Apr 21st
As many of my readers know…. Wait I have readers? Well, maybe I did but I’m not so sure anymore. Anyway you may know that I had anxiety issues and started taking medication. I gave a few updates then I disappeared from my blog. I haven’t posted any of my week in photo’s hell I am lucky if I took many photo’s.
I stopped posting on Twitter. Of coarse there are a few random and annoying posts from foursquare or Getglue about things I may be doing or watching and don’t feel like telling Twitter anything else.
Facebook I have been faithful to. It’s like crack. I call it Facecrack. So while I may still be on Facecrack I wasn’t posting every little thing anymore. I used to post when I was pissed, annoyed, outraged, ecstatic, bored, whatever. Everyone knew everything. Well okay not everything. Only what the world could handle. What stopped me from posting everything? I believe it is the magick medication I am taking. They really need to call Prozac Fukitol.
I think I am on to stage 3 on the about page.
Euphoria induced, where you realize that life is a journey and not a destination. Where you dream as if you’ll live forever, but live as if you’ll die today.
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It’s good and it’s bad.
* I quit being such a bitch. Granted you piss me off enough or fuck with my kids watch out, but generally I am not so annoyed with everything and everyone all the time.
* I forget things. Important things. Like paying bills. Have the money, just doesn’t seem important all the time. So thats not a good thing.
* I don’t care if I am not appreciated at work anymore. I work, I get paid, I go home. That’s not so bad. It’s not like I work somewhere that advancement is really an option. It is what it is and I am just less pissed about it.
* My marriage is difficult. No details but trust me I am still struggling on this even with the medication. I think right now I am just all … whatever. I am going with the flow. Not pushing issues, not arguing. You would think that would be great right? The downside? He is trying to be closer to me and I think sometimes I come off that I don’t care. And I dunno I just might not. It might be too little too late. Whats going on just might be too much for me.
* I have been on medication before where I didn’t feel at all. I couldn’t cry. I honestly sometimes didn’t know what was going on. This is different. I do feel normal. I feel better. I feel happier. But it is still an adjustment.
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Can’t get a raise. At least I have a job.
Do your taxes? Yeah, the night they were due at like 10pm.
Can’t focus? Pretend you can.
I can fall asleep much easier and get up in the morning.
I don’t always feel like something is wrong and I am going to die.
I don’t cry about the thought of dying.
When I do have thoughts and a panic attack starts to come on it goes away just as fast as it came.
Can’t afford extras because someone was laid off for medical reasons? Plan a trip to NYC and a beach vacation in the same summer.
F**CK it all.
Time to Adjust
Mar 9th
I went to the Home & Garden show this past weekend. I purchased a few things and wished I had purchased a few more. I may go back this weekend. We will see.
While there I filled out a form to try and win tickets to this years Best Restaurants Party. Crossing my fingers! I absolutely loved last years! I can’t afford $100 tickets. Willing to blog for tickets 
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My kitty is missing. We took him in when he was only 6 weeks old. He was hard of hearing and had sinus problems but my children all fell in love with him. They miss him dearly as does the dog, yes the dog and cat played together every day.
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We have a new hamster, a Chinese Dwarf Hamster. I want to name her Wonton but my youngest doesn’t like it.
Husband came up with Nugget, my oldest came up with Joey because it looks like a mini kangaroo. Well the youngest doesn’t like any of the names we picked out.
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I am adjusting. To my medication and to my life.
I didn’t post last weeks photography blog. I will guess that I have pics for 2-3 days tops. I will post them soon though this week is looking bleak as well.
I still have 3 posts to write about The Worst Cooks in America. I have notes on the last 3 episodes.
I am forgetting many things lately and allowing some things to get backed up.
But it’s not all bad. I feel better. I feel more normal. In time I think everything will fall into place.
When something worry’s me or I have a pain I don’t go into severe panic mode anymore. I am thankful for that.
There are periods of time that I have spaced out a little, even felt really off, but the more time that goes on the better I feel.
If anything better than before, so thats good.
As Panic Settles
Mar 2nd
Living with Anxiety is so difficult. It’s hard to remember a time in my life where it wasn’t a problem almost daily. In the past there have been times where it wasn’t such a constant battle but the older I get the worse it seems to get.
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If you have been reading my blog you may know my doctor wanted me to try Prozac a year ago and while I had it filled I never took it. I went back two weeks ago and he gave me a new prescription for Prozac after telling me he really thinks I need to try something daily. He put me on a very low dose as he knows I am afraid to take medication. Thats part of the anxiety as well as a problem with a previous medication.
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I finally did it. I filled it and started taking it the day after my doctor appointment. So it has been a week and a half. I take it at 10 am every day. The doc told me to take it in the morning and I picked that time as I have a hard time eating anything earlier in the day.
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I am tired earlier at night. I had fallen asleep at 7:30pm one night but mostly around 10pm. That is a huge difference from the 12:30am and later because my worrysome thoughts keep me up. I am getting more proper sleep but am a little more tired through the day.
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By the time I get to work in the morning I experience some panic. I am usually better about 1/2 hr to an hour after taking the next dose. By dinner time though I am back in the panic mode again but it seems to taper off by the time I fall asleep.
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Now my panic is no where near what it once was. My panic isn’t so high that I can’t function at all. I have a hard time concentrating sometimes, especially at work, but no where near the amount before I started. The only other issue I battle through is taking public transportation. I still panic at times on the bus but it has been pretty bad in the past. There were times I cried at the thought of getting on the bus in the past.
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I am still adjusting to the medication. The doc told me that I could up the dose myself and I think that may be necessary soon but I am trying to wait.
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I haven’t had the need to take any Klonopin as of yet 
I have it just in case but I really want to try and function as often as possible without it.
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I just want to feel normal again.
I wish you all good mental health.
Work-cation
Feb 18th
Thats what this week is a work-cation. I don’t care if it’s not a real word I made it up. What does it mean? It means the boss is on vacation, the one who runs the office. I don’t have the feeling someone is staring at me half the day, no one is screaming, no one seems stressed. Work is getting done, the phones are still being answered and no one burned the building down.
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Work-cation ends next Wednesday. It will be a sad day as the office boss spends the next few days looking for everyone’s mistakes and screaming about them all.
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I had to take 6 buses yesterday.
The first two were to my doctor appointment in the morning. After the appointment I had to wait 45 minutes before getting a bus into town though. I then took two buses to work and 4 hours later took two home. I was damn tired.
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So I was damn nervous to go to the doc. I always am but the last time I was there it was a nightmare. This time I was seeing my doctor though not the quack I saw last time. I love my doctor. He cares, he listens, he assesses and tries to help. I hate the nurses though, although I have honestly never seen them nurse a damn thing. They answer the phones, do paperwork and take your co-payment. Other than that there is a guy who does your weight and blood pressure. So I guess they are just secretaries. I have been going there since early adulthood and don’t remember them ever doing anything else. They are rude as hell and I warned my doc that I refuse to put up with it before.
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Anyway, he wants me to take a medication daily for my anxiety. About a year ago he said the same thing to me. He gave me a prescription for Prozac. I filled it and never took it. I battle my anxiety way too often to rely only on an as needed medication anymore. Sometimes it’s just too much. The Klonipin works wonders and I only take it when it’s really bad but my nightmare appointment the quack doctor forgot to give me my prescription in the madness and refused to send to the pharmacy and I couldn’t afford anymore time off work at the time. I went all this time since that last appointment with expired medication and taking as little as possible when it was bad and sometimes not taking anything at all because I had nothing.
My doc told me that I deserve to be balanced and I really need to try.
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So today will be my first day taking it……………
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In July I will be taking my teenage daughter on a trip to NYC with some co-workers. I am so excited to go shopping! Top of my list is Chinatown. I also must make a trip to Mood for my youngest daughter and get her some awesome fabric.
Share your places to see, eat and shop with me in the comments.
Were not planning too many sight seeing stuff like the statue of liberty.
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Hubby has an appointment with the neurologist this morning. Cross your fingers for us that they give him his licence back!
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Look for my photography pics tonight and I need to catch up on my Worst Cooks in America posts.
Just a Doc Appointment
Nov 2nd
Or so I thought.
Warning: Hot guy alert in this post!
As I posted last week a mom at a performance had made me a little crazy with all her illnesses and my anxiety. I thought I would go in, get checked and be given antibiotics or something as I haven’t completely gotten rid of my cold for a couple weeks. I mention that I also need a refill on my prescription. I only have 1 pill left and I like to have them for when it gets real bad. I told him I was nervous. I told him I had taken two buses there, which make me nuts. I hate to take the bus. I wonder why when you have something like this at the stop:
Do you have one of those at your bus stop? Yeah it sure makes me feel great I already have bus anxiety. To top it off I didn’t know where I was going once I got downtown to catch the 2nd bus as I had never taken a bus to my doc before. I walked up a hill to get there after daring a huge intersection and smoked a cigarette. I have been trying to quit. Some days I have none, some I have 5, some I have 10 it all depends.
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So I explain to the doc about my bus anxiety and about my having pains in my chest area for the past few days. I explained I have gotten them before and wind up going to the ER and they send me on my merry way telling me it’s anxiety. He is not my regular doctor but I have seen him many times when my regular doc is not in. I told him I want checked out as I get panic attacks from pain, thinking it’s worse than it is, which in my head the pain gets worse, I worry more…. it’s a vicious cycle.
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He did an EKG just to do one. I got more and more nervous. He came in with the results with a horrified look on his face. He said my heart rate was 120 and considered way too high. I told him I am very nervous, he said even with anxiety it shouldn’t be that high. He goes on to tell me he would feel better calling me an ambulance and wants me to go to the hospital. Talk about panic attack. It really throttled into full force when he insisted that I need oxygen cause I was short of breath. HELLO ANXIETY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING?????????
He left the room. Some nurse came with the oxygen. I asked for a cup of water my mouth was sooooo dry. She brought me water. She left the room with the door open because I insisted.
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The fire department shows up first. The fire chief told my doctor that he is not to leave patients alone when he calls 911. The doc said to him, “Your not going to tell me what to do, this is my practice.” The fire guy told him that he most certainly was telling him what to do. I could barely talk to the firemen who were asking me questions. I muttered out that this is insane and I am freaking out. He told me I looked fine and not to worry.
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The paramedics arrive. They take the oxygen off me. They get me into the ambulance all the while trying to calm me down because at this point I’m ready to give myself whatever medication I would find to calm the hell down. So here I am sitting in the back of an ambulance.
There is a first for everything. Did I mention that the paramedic said they called for another patient by same doc right after me? Medic said that they push patients off on hospital when they are backed up and they get calls from that doc all the time.
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I wonder if there is some law that requires the guy in the back of the van with you is hot as hell. OMG I started to forget about where I was. I listened to his calm soft voice talk to me. He told me that he knew when he saw me there was nothing wrong with me and he thinks the doc over reacted. He could tell I was anxious. He assured me in his oh so soft voice that I was going to be just fine. I believed him and stared at him. I am so sorry for staring at you but if you weren’t so hot I wouldn’t have stared! LOL But thank you for calming me down!
I also knew the driver of the ambulance. Go figure. Our kids used to go to school together and we were on the PTO together.
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I get there and they said there are no beds. Hubby is waiting for me and the hot ass guy who spent the ride in the back with me knew the company hubby worked for cause he has used them before. One of the nurses saw my last name and she knows hubby’s uncle and aunt. Can this get any weirder? Even though I came by ambulance they already had in their head I was having a panic attack and left me in the waiting room forever. I hadn’t had lunch since I was only planning a doc appt. and had to pee so damn bad. I probably was in the waiting room for 2 hours once I looked at my texts to my sister and calls to hubby before arriving.
I thought about the hot medic while waiting. Sorry hubby. I know you were by my side but you weren’t good at keeping me calm.
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I finally get into one of those rooms they send people who aren’t really that bad, just sick or something. I had some resident ask me a bunch questions then leave me for awhile.
Un-like other hospitals I have been to there was no toilet off the room I was in. There was 1 shared one down some hall that had a shower.
I also heard them offer other people food. They never offered me any. To make matters worse my cell battery was dying, I forgot my Ipod Touch and there was no TV! It was easy to become annoyed.
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One would think just to be cautious they would have monitored my heart the entire time I was there. No they waited until I was in the room for 30 minutes before bothering. Then sent me to get a chest x-ray. I finally was told that everything was fine. They sent me home with a diagnosis of bronchitis. I have had it and was always in sever pain coughing left and right. The inhaler is an inhaler for asthma, not the same one I have received for bronchitis in the past.
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I’m confused.
I decided before I left I wanted to pay my co-pay. They didn’t have change for my cash, the front desk nurse asked just about everyone. So I paid by debit card but not before she found out where I worked and went on and on about how she was unhappy with the work they did two years ago and swore and everything. Lady really I don’t need this now.
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So as usual no one wants to figure out why I get the pains I do.
I don’t have pains due to a panic attack. I have a panic attack due to the pains.
Can no one understand that or am I really that nuts?
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Oh yeah and in all the mess the doc forgot to give me my prescription. I called from the hospital and he had already left. I called today and the nurse said they weren’t in. I told her that the doc forgot my prescription and she told me that I have to call tomorrow. I explained to her what it was for and that I can’t take another day off work just to pick up a prescription the doc forgot to give me in the craziness. She said because it’s considered a controlled substance I have to come in and sign for it. WTF. Really? I told her off and hung up. I need to find a new doctor. I have been taking this med for years. The nurses, front desk people whatever they are have always been rude and never let you talk to the doctors when you call.
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MMmmmmmm hot paramedic. I wish I had taken note of his name and taken a pic of him LOL
I can’t win
Oct 29th
That’s how I feel anyway.
I feel like I am making progress controlling my anxiety and well, shit happens.
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A few nights ago I went to a performance at my daughters school. I hate taking public transportation, that usually sets my anxiety off to begin with. My daughter wanted me to be there for her so I dealt with it. There was a parent there I hadn’t seen in a few years. I saw her a few times but probably only waved and kept walking. Our daughters had been going to school together for the past 5 years. So she goes on to tell me stories of how she was sick for weeks a few years ago and went on to tell me this story of how she almost died. Then she shared a story of how she almost lost her hearing due to an ear infection.
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She has Fibromyalgia. I honestly don’t know much about it other than what I looked up today online. I think its even slightly possible I resemble the symptoms. I mentioned to mom I have severe anxiety and explained to her that when I think something is wrong with me my mind goes insane and I think there is something more horribly wrong with me. I told her for a reason as I don’t share that with just everyone in conversation. I told her because she was freaking me out with her stories. So to end the evening she told me to quit smoking because her sister died of lung cancer. People just don’t understand. I can’t watch certain movies and can barely tolerate the news.
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I spent alot of time thinking and worrying as I have been sick for a few weeks. It’s lingering and won’t go away. That happens alot actually. So I made a doctor appointment for Monday to ease my mind.
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I have been tired, reserved, not wanting to talk too much.
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Last night I fell asleep about 10pm. I woke up at 6am with a pain in my chest.
It’s been awhile but I had to take a pill. I’ve had the same pain before and many trips to MedExpress, the ER and my doctor have told me nothing. There is nothing wrong. Ugh! I can’t take it. I would rather have my eye twitch uncontrollably than have a pain in my chest area just so my mind would be more at ease. I am tired of ER docs giving you that OMG ITS JUST ANXIETY YOU NUT CASE look every time. But one of these days I won’t know if it’s a true emergency and will be too afraid to go.
I almost stayed home today but went to work for fear of being home alone when I am like this. So I have this pain and now a pain in my leg.
I am a bit slower because of the medication.
I am worried that something is wrong with me. I should have stayed home. I can’t deal with all these people and my work.
I haven’t had a cigarette since 3pm yesterday. Not sure how much that is contributing.
Just go away and let me live!
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People like me always have to wonder just how crazy we really are.
Food for Thought
Oct 27th
My anxiety causes alot of problems in my life. Work is one of those areas. I get anxious when I feel I am not doing well or things go wrong. I have decided that I won’t allow my work issues to bother me as I have. People annoy me, people get away with shit they shouldn’t, people don’t value their job or have respect for others. No matter how hard you try it seems to go un-noticed and only your mistakes shine through it all. I haven’t worked enough places in my life to compare it to know if where I work is the problem or if I am. For my own sanity and so I feel like I can enjoy a paycheck more I will try my damnedest to worry about myself and no one else.
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I will remind myself every morning before going to work every morning:
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What I have:
- I have a good job.
- I have the best health insurance.
- I have passion.
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What I will do:
- I will do the best I can do at my job.
- I will continue to offer my ideas.
- I will come home, leaving work behind.
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I can allow myself to be bothered by everything or take control of myself and my anxiety.
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Today I brought some food for thought to work today.
Veggie Burgers, which I have found to be very yummy.
Organic strawberrys cut up, cool whip and pound cake.
Yummy!
