Posts tagged anxiety disorder
As many of my readers know…. Wait I have readers? Well, maybe I did but I’m not so sure anymore. Anyway you may know that I had anxiety issues and started taking medication. I gave a few updates then I disappeared from my blog. I haven’t posted any of my week in photo’s hell I am lucky if I took many photo’s.
I stopped posting on Twitter. Of coarse there are a few random and annoying posts from foursquare or Getglue about things I may be doing or watching and don’t feel like telling Twitter anything else.
Facebook I have been faithful to. It’s like crack. I call it Facecrack. So while I may still be on Facecrack I wasn’t posting every little thing anymore. I used to post when I was pissed, annoyed, outraged, ecstatic, bored, whatever. Everyone knew everything. Well okay not everything. Only what the world could handle. What stopped me from posting everything? I believe it is the magick medication I am taking. They really need to call Prozac Fukitol.
I think I am on to stage 3 on the about page.
Euphoria induced, where you realize that life is a journey and not a destination. Where you dream as if you’ll live forever, but live as if you’ll die today.
It’s good and it’s bad.
F**CK it all.
I went to the Home & Garden show this past weekend. I purchased a few things and wished I had purchased a few more. I may go back this weekend. We will see.
While there I filled out a form to try and win tickets to this years Best Restaurants Party. Crossing my fingers! I absolutely loved last years! I can’t afford $100 tickets. Willing to blog for tickets
My kitty is missing. We took him in when he was only 6 weeks old. He was hard of hearing and had sinus problems but my children all fell in love with him. They miss him dearly as does the dog, yes the dog and cat played together every day.
We have a new hamster, a Chinese Dwarf Hamster. I want to name her Wonton but my youngest doesn’t like it.
The kids dad came up with Nugget, my oldest came up with Joey because it looks like a mini kangaroo. Well the youngest doesn’t like any of the names we picked out.
I am adjusting. To my medication and to my life.
I didn’t post last weeks photography blog. I will guess that I have pics for 2-3 days tops. I will post them soon though this week is looking bleak as well.
I still have 3 posts to write about The Worst Cooks in America. I have notes on the last 3 episodes.
I am forgetting many things lately and allowing some things to get backed up.
But it’s not all bad. I feel better. I feel more normal. In time I think everything will fall into place.
When something worry’s me or I have a pain I don’t go into severe panic mode anymore. I am thankful for that.
There are periods of time that I have spaced out a little, even felt really off, but the more time that goes on the better I feel.
If anything better than before, so thats good.
Living with Anxiety is so difficult. It’s hard to remember a time in my life where it wasn’t a problem almost daily. In the past there have been times where it wasn’t such a constant battle but the older I get the worse it seems to get.
If you have been reading my blog you may know my doctor wanted me to try Prozac a year ago and while I had it filled I never took it. I went back two weeks ago and he gave me a new prescription for Prozac after telling me he really thinks I need to try something daily. He put me on a very low dose as he knows I am afraid to take medication. Thats part of the anxiety as well as a problem with a previous medication.
I finally did it. I filled it and started taking it the day after my doctor appointment. So it has been a week and a half. I take it at 10 am every day. The doc told me to take it in the morning and I picked that time as I have a hard time eating anything earlier in the day.
I am tired earlier at night. I had fallen asleep at 7:30pm one night but mostly around 10pm. That is a huge difference from the 12:30am and later because my worrysome thoughts keep me up. I am getting more proper sleep but am a little more tired through the day.
By the time I get to work in the morning I experience some panic. I am usually better about 1/2 hr to an hour after taking the next dose. By dinner time though I am back in the panic mode again but it seems to taper off by the time I fall asleep.
Now my panic is no where near what it once was. My panic isn’t so high that I can’t function at all. I have a hard time concentrating sometimes, especially at work, but no where near the amount before I started. The only other issue I battle through is taking public transportation. I still panic at times on the bus but it has been pretty bad in the past. There were times I cried at the thought of getting on the bus in the past.
I am still adjusting to the medication. The doc told me that I could up the dose myself and I think that may be necessary soon but I am trying to wait.
I just want to feel normal again.
I wish you all good mental health.
If you don’t know me well you may not know that I suffer from Anxiety.
Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It helps one deal with a tense situation in the office, study harder for an exam, keep focused on an important speech. In general, it helps one cope. But when anxiety becomes an excessive, irrational dread of everyday situations, it has become a disabling disorder.
So that’s the gist of it. I have anxiety disorder. There are 5 major types of Anxiety Disorder. There is Generalized, Obsessive, Panic, Post-Traumatic Stress, and Social Phobia.
The doctor classified me as generalized in the beginning. I do experience Panic Disorder and Social Phobia. Sometimes it all plays hand in hand and I can experience it all in the same situation.
It is hard to live with. As a child growing up I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It runs through my family but they wiped it all under the rug because they didn’t believe in it. It caused a huge impact on my life.
As a child downstairs, alone, at night I would stay up late watching tv to find out I couldn’t bring myself to go to bed. Why? Well when I finally brought myself to go to bed cause I was too damn tired to stay up anymore I would run up the stairs because my brain would imagine that someone would appear out of thin air and chase me with a knife. Yeah what a fucked thing for a kid to deal with. I feared death, still do but as a child it was to a point where I thought about it often and would cry hysterically at the thought of my being gone the next day. I would fear falling asleep, I might not wake up. In high school I remember having to excuse myself to the bathroom only to drop to the floor, sitting there sweating and feeling like I would have a heart attack.
Fast forward to adulthood. At first I really only had issues at night. Then I was having panic attacks in front of my children. I remember taking them for a walks and telling them what to do if mom would fall to the ground. I was scared and I can’t imagine what went through their head that their mother had to say this to them. I hope I didn’t scare them too much!
It took me many years into adult hood to tell my doctor. I wanted to know what was wrong with me. In some ways finding out was comforting, in some ways I was devastated. What the hell do I do now? We tried two different medications. The first one was Welbutrin which actually made my attacks worse. I couldn’t live like that.
I was then put on another medication. I remember zoning out for almost a week after I started taking it. I don’t remember much of what happened that week. I spent almost a year on it before I realized it wasn’t good for me. I was too calm, so calm that I could barely feel when my father died. Everyone walked all over me, I could have cared less about anything going on around me. Not good. I had to stop. You are supposed to wean off but I didn’t want it anymore. It took me a good 30 days to feel like myself again.
But was that me? The anxiety eventually returned.
I have found myself at the ER on many occasions with the overwhelming feeling that something was wrong and I was going to die. It hits suddenly most of the time so it can be difficult to control. Nothing is ever wrong with me. It is all in my head. While that is true it is a very real problem that disrupts my life. When will I know if there really is a medical problem? I feel like an ass with every trip to the ER.
I have luckily surrounded myself with a few friends who have the same issue I have. I have people I can talk to. We comfort each other, listen to each other about episodes we have had. I think partially I don’t want to have them around people who don’t understand. They tend to think your just nuts.
So what works for me?
- Sleep. It helps if I can fall asleep tho that’s not always possible.
- Water & Air. I drink water and if possible get some fresh air. If I am at home I pace a lot.
- Eating Healthy – not only eating healthy I switched to mostly natural and organic food. I can’t say for sure it’s helped but ever since I do have less attacks. It has also helped my gallstone not act up.
Why mention this now? I walked into work this morning and it just came over me. I got dizzy, sweaty and my heart was pounding. I thought I was close enough to passing out that I took medication and sat in my co-workers office for awhile. Then went to CVS to walk around and get my mind off it. Now all I want to do is sleep.
It’s hard to allow people into my world with this over me, but here it is for all to see. Now that it is out there I may share more of what I have gone through as an adult if I feel people will benefit from reading it.
If you suffer from anxiety disorder know that there are many other people out there like you. Consider talking to your doctor if you haven’t already.