The emotions that go along with the loss of a miscarriage are emotions I never could grasp until it happened to me. Right now my body is worn out from the pain, the crying and the anger. My feelings go back and forth.
March 3, 2013 I walked out of the hospital not remembering where I was. I saw palm trees and realized, “Oh yeah, I live in Florida.” I only moved here last year and I felt like I was in another world after all the hours I laid in the hospital bed at Sarasota Memorial Hospital just a few blocks from where I live.
I started having pain a few days before, then spotting. I went to the hospital I had planned on delivering at in hopes of finding out what was going on. I have had 3 births in my younger years and never had problems like this. That hospital trip left me even more confused and unsure of what was going on. First a guy drew blood. I am afraid of needles and he took so long and wouldn’t shut up. He insisted on taking blood from a vein in my hand. That vein is now puffy days later. Once I was in a room a registration guy game in and took some info. He also did a palm scan. I had never heard of a hospital doing that before. He said it was to keep records secure and easily accessible for future visits. He asked for typical information such as my address and insurance information. We didn’t get to finish since the doctor came in but said he would return later. He never did. The doctor diagnosed me with a UTI and said it was normal for some ppl to not have any symptoms. When asked about the pain and bleeding he said that it could be an early miscarriage but he saw no blood and said I should be fine. He gave me a 90% to deliver to full term and said my HCG of 4016 was normal for 10 weeks. I didn’t see him again after that.
I waited in the room for some time. A cleaning guy came in and emptied both the regular trash and the red bag trash into the same bin he was rolling around. Tell me what the point of having them separate is if they get tossed out together anyway? He didn’t even put new bags in so some trash was left behind in the used bag.
I felt like this was such a wasted trip. No other tests, no ultrasound and sent me on my way. It was around 5am at that point. I was exhausted but knew something wasn’t right. I spent that day in more pain than when I went to the ER but eventually it went away so I tried to stay hopeful.
When I woke up on the final day I laid in bed for what felt like hours in what was the worst pain I’ve ever had. I couldn’t move and my boyfriend told me I had to go back to the ER. I don’t know that I could really even think right at the time.
We arrived and checked in at the hospital and the worst part of the pain seemed to be over. I sat in the waiting room exhausted. I was too tired to even talk at times so my boyfriend answered many questions for me.
First they drew blood again. I made it clear I didn’t want him to take it from my hand and how displeased I was with the last guy. He said they don’t like to use the hand and mentioned the guy from the other night was a fireman. After some time had passed I was wheeled to ultrasound. The entire time the technician was quiet. She didn’t show me the screen at any point. I knew that couldn’t be a good sign. After being in the waiting room awhile longer I was taken to a room where I spent a few more hours of my day.
A doctor came in and said my tests weren’t ready yet and that he would be back when they all were. He gave me his business card. Ummmm ok
I got a visit from a different registration guy than the other day. When I mentioned I was there a few days ago he did a palm scan to pull up my information. He mentioned he was going to retake my picture. I was shocked and said, “What?!” He said the picture they had wasn’t good. That the last guy took it from too far away and had my boyfriend and the entire room in it. I told him I had no idea they guy even took a picture. I also told him he never came back to the room. He said he would make sure someone knew about that as he should have informed me. I mentioned the doctor giving me his business card and he said,
“You should see some of these doctors have huge cards with pictures and everything.”
He held up his hand demonstrating the size of an oversized index card. All i could do was shake my head. Ego much? I signed a form saying my information was correct and off he went. Not long after a lady came in and informed me that she was the lead registration technician. She asked about my visit with the other guy and I told her. She then showed me a piece of paper like the one I had just signed and asked if I saw it before or signed it. No! The first guy forged my signature! I really hope he got fired. I’m flabbergasted!
The nurses also had left another patients urine in the room. I made them remove it. I’m so not pleased with this hospital.
About an hour passed by and the doctor returned with a nurse. It appeared as if they were going to do an exam. As if it was no big deal he said I had miscarried and continued on with the exam, while I was in tears. He then said my levels were even lower than the other night. I was in shock and mentioned not being able to see the ultrasound and his response was,
“Thats not her responsibility.”
When he was done he left the room. So cold.
He stayed away for awhile while I cried. Luckily my boyfriend was right there by my side. This answer was not what he was expecting. I suspected but wouldn’t allow myself to believe it.
The doctor once again returned and was asked about the UTI. He said untreated it could be why. Really?!?!? I had no symptoms and I don’t know but I felt like he was placing blame. I told him about the doctor the other day giving me a 90% rating and saying my levels were normal. He said the doctor diagnosed correctly and he agreed. Then added that even if they knew there was nothing they could have done to stop it. I just wanted to punch this guy in the face.
I had a visit from another doctor who informed me that this was no ones fault and they were waiting to talk to an OB to see what to do from here as there was still some tissue left.
The first doctor eventually returned and said the OB said I could go home and let it pass on my own. He said he would get me discharged very soon.
And more waiting…….
At this point I was ready to rip the IV out and just go home.
My boyfriend went to the nurse. Apparently the doctor never told them to release me! She made sure to find out if I was being released and did my paperwork ASAP. As she tool the IV out she leaned over and said,
“I’m really sorry.”
For her kindness I thank her. As she was the only one who really was.
I now struggle to hold back the tears. I don’t want to look at my body for I will see the unbloated belly and my boobs that are already back to normal. I know eventually I will be okay. I have the most wonderful man to support me. It will take time.
The next step is deciding if we want to risk going through this again and try before I’m too old (in my own mind). Whatever we decide I am happy and more in love with him everyday.
If you made it through this story, thank you for listening. If this has happened to you, I’m truly am sorry
If you feel the need to say anything to me about this matter….. Hugs are nice, I’m sorry is cool, but what I really want and need is laughter. Post it here or on Facebook. Pics, videos, whatever. I won’t complain that you plastered my wall with 10 hilarious videos, not one bit! Make me laugh for laughter is the best medicine.
I love that you kiss my forehead. There is just something so sweet about it.
I love the way you look at me. I can feel your love and your passion through your eyes.
I love that you hold my hand. Our fingers fit perfectly together.
I love your smile. It tells me you are as happy as I am.
I love that you take care of me. I don’t even have to ask you do it because you want to.
Most of all I love the way you love me. You know how to make me feel on top of the world. I love you too <3
I am not the kind if girl that wants something huge and costs as much as a car. I do however want something.
My first marriage not only turned out to be a disaster there really was no wedding. We were married at the local magistrate. At the time I thought I didn’t care but in the end I really did. The biggest problem was I got married for the wrong reasons.
My needs are small but to me they are important.
• I want to be asked properly and for the right reasons. Yes I am a sap when it comes to that.
• I want a small outdoor wedding that is not religious. My love of nature and the breeze blowing my hair and my dress.
• Close family and friends are the only people needed to attend. I refuse to invite more people for the gifts. I also don’t love a huge crowd.
• I want to wear a beautiful dress. It doesn’t have to be a ball gown or even white, just an actual wedding dress.
• I want it to be a day of fun for everyone. I want food and dancing. I want it to showcase love.
I have very simple requests.
You don’t need anything to be happy, but I think it’s important to have a day of celebration of each other. Not just a 15 min event in court in between hearings. Maybe it’s because of my first marriage. Maybe it’s because I’m a chick and in all honesty girls dream of their wedding day. Do I have a pinterest board dedicated to wedding stuff? I plead the 5th LOL what girl doesn’t? You won’t find mine
Do I ever have to get married again? No, I don’t. I would rather live with the love of my life in sin than get married for the wrong reasons and regret it.
I was depressed. I thought so low of myself. He probably had no idea what train wreck was about to come into his life. I was a mean and hateful person to many people. I knew that wasn’t me. I knew I was a better person in there somewhere. I just couldn’t see it for so long.
I feel alive.
It reflects in everything I do. I think more often before I speak. I wear brighter clothes. I look forward to waking up everyday.
YOU brought out the best in me my love <3. Thank you!
I’ve always wanted more kids. I was the type of person that wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mom. I never longed for a career or to travel the world.
I knew when I was with my ex that he didn’t want anymore kids. Which was probably a good idea considering. He made sure he couldn’t have anymore right after our 3rd was born almost 14 years ago. I gave up hope and moved on.
My sweetie and I have discussed the idea since he has no children of his own and I’m sure his family would be interested in the idea of him having one.
I know how he feels about the subject. I could tell you his thoughts but this is about me. HA! Naw its not my place to speak for him here.
But how do I feel about it?
I really don’t know.
Hell No Option: I have 3 great kids. I don’t have to change diapers or get up in the middle of the night. No crying, screaming or tantrums from the likes of a toddler. I can come and go as I please. I have enough things to worry about financially. My body isn’t getting any younger. I had easy pregnancies, yeah I am one of those, but at my age now would it be so easy. Would I be the same kind of mother I was?
Awww how adorable option: Then the thoughts of that bundle of joy roll in. That sweet tiny human you can mold into a model citizen. The cute things they do and say. Knowing that my sweetie would make a great dad. Seriously when I flew to meet him I saw it. While swimming in the hotel pool he started to play with another family’s kids in the pool. It was the cutest thing ever. Baby’s in the grocery store catch his eye.
When I moved I left everyone I knew with babies and toddlers. So I don’t get any baby fixes anymore. Though i wonder if thats what made me want it more.
Shout out: I miss my sweet little munchkin that I watched grow up and is now in school. I miss you Ava!!!
So far I am letting fate take its course and I think I am okay with that. Fate brought me here where I am happy. Eventually I will reach my personal cut off level in age and have to decide if I am content with my decision.