Just Roxy » Personal Day

Counting the days

Roxy — Thu, 17 May 2012 17:29:00 +0000

Counting down the days,

imagening you by my side.

Were both a little crazy,

along for the ride.

Lay with me in the sand,

and wait for the tide.

————-

What a ball of mush.

You make me.

I didn’t think it was possible.

I didn’t plan a thing.

—————–

“I just can’t get enough”

“I can’t get you out of my head”

“You are the only exception”

If I am wrong

Roxy — Tue, 15 May 2012 13:59:45 +0000

If I am wrong, I don’t want to be right.

I have thought about it and you know what he has a point. If it were reversed and he was talking to someone else (which has happened mind you) I would be livid. In my mind it’s okay because I tried for many years to make things right. I am not the one who said I don’t feel for you that way. Your actions have caused my reactions in how I feel about you. You telling me you don’t want me, seeking out an ex even if you now consider it a mistake played a part in allowing my heart to be open to someone else. The difference is I waited for you, you didn’t want me. I gave up. Oh but you don’t want me, you just think it’s wrong because we live under the same roof. I am okay with that if I am wrong. If it is uncomfortable for you I appologize for that but I never have and never would do anything to intentially hurt you. Not that your hurt, I know better. Besides that you were asked to move out, since your the one who didn’t want a husband/wife relationship.

You feel different about me now? And how is that any worse than my loving you and you neglecting me all these years? It does not phase me.

Though you may break my sprit every now and then I will not allow you to ruin my happiness.

Patience

Roxy — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:09:24 +0000

Patience is something I have been known to have a lot of. I took gaggles of kids on camping trips. I don’t go crazy when a baby cries.

The one ulitimate test of patience was my husband. 18 years worth. My patience has run out.

You tell me you do not see me as a wife, yet as a friend. While you may think having feelings for another one of your friends or seeking out an ex you cheated on me with out of anger is okay, your wrong.

I have put up with you, loved, you, raised your kids, and waited for you.

I gave up. You knew that.

We already live seperate lives for the most part, so don’t dare tell me I am wrong for living mine the way I see fit.

You have done and do what you want, even before I gave up on you.

You refuse to move out, have refused over and over.

Until I have a place to call my own with kids and dogs, you will be free of me.

But please don’t forget YOU DIDN’T WANT ME! You let me go, now leave it alone.

I have yet to air all your dirty laundry, I have yet to be so mad I publicly tell everyone what kind of life we really had together.

I hope friends understand how much I am trying to take the high road and stay out of it as long as his friends stay out of my business.

I am taking a chance. It is the most crazy thing I have ever done in my adult life.

I am going to another state to meet someone I met on Facebook.

These things happen, even when your not looking for it.

My patience with you is up. Please let go.

On to happiness……………

I am allowed

Roxy — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 13:00:55 +0000

I struggle with being okay with myself. There are parts of myself I do not like. Everyone has that I am sure, but for me it’s kept me locked up emotionally.

I spent the past 18 years taking care of everyone but myself. I love my children more than anything and they know that.

I have spent the past year really working on myself and while I have come far I know I have more to do.

I know that I have many great things about myself. I have to let that part of me shine through.

I have to let other people in my life.

This is the begining of a new ME I am commited to doing what is best for me.

The real me

Roxy — Sun, 22 Apr 2012 07:37:46 +0000

My faults are also the best things about me.

I’m honest. If I’m happy with you, you will know it. If I’m mad at you, you sure as hell will know it. I rarely lie.

I am caring. Too often I care far too much about everyone except myself. But when I care about you, you have all of me.

I am very open. Too many people know so much about me just from my blog alone. But you know the real me

You said “What?”

Roxy — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 06:03:22 +0000

The weather has been crazy this year. Our winter was pretty decent considering I hate the cold and snow and it was tolerable for me. It started getting very warm early in the year. I remember snow and ice in February not 70 degree’s outside and sunny. Not complaining one bit. If you add sand and waves I am home.

My moods are about as bi-polar as the weather these days. If it wasn’t for prozac I can’t imagine how much worse it would be. I get moody and cranky but they are a direct effect of life happenings.

Yes, in a previous post you read that my husband is Transgender. If you don’t know what that is basically it is when a person of one sex wants to be the other sex. So my husband wants to be a woman. Just about everyone knows now. And now he is questioning himself. I think he lied to his therapist about his family, therefore allowing things to go quicker and not involving us at all. He started this journey much earlier than when he started to tell people, it has been going on for awhile. I hope he figures out what he wants before he does something he can’t reverse.

So many decisions weigh on me. From moving, to being open to others, to what is important to me, to shit I just don’t stop thinking sometimes. All I know is I don’t ever want to go back into the dark, depressed hole I was once in for a few years. I won’t ever allow that to happen again. I just need to continue to ask for help and support from those who understand.

I am still painting, drawing, etc. It is a great creative outlet for me. I need an outlet to keep me sane. Between that, my best friend and my kids they keep me going. I have hope for myself to do what I want.

I think my non household family is getting the shit end of the stick on it all. I haven’t been talking to them much. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know. I am not where I want to be in life and I don’t want to keep talking about it. I am just trying to keep it together. I hope they understand.

Waiting for the sun and sand…….

<3 ~Roxy

My husband is Trans

Roxy — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 12:53:54 +0000

Yes, my husband is Transgender. I have wanted to write about this for some time but I wanted my close family and friends to know before I wrote about it.

Sorry to shock those who didn’t already know.

We have been married 18 years and have 3 wonderful kids together. There were signs early on and we all ignored them, even him.

He was unhappy with himself and depressed. I was unhappy that we couldn’t seem to have a normal relationship. My own behavior at our problems was an issue. I spent many years working on it.

The final stage was when we started going to marriage counseling. I was an emoitional mess and could never figure out what was so wrong with me that my love went on deaf ears.

Through marriage counseling our counselor encouraged him to seek out help for being Transgender. We stopped going to counseling and he was dealing with himself.

I encouraged him to be whomever he wanted to be happy. I was ready to support him. Unfortunatly after all these years of supporting him no matter what he became more selfish than ever.

The end result is I am moving out. Not because of who he is, but because of the spouse/marriage partner/lover he cannot be. He is letting me go very easily to persue a new life.

So there you have the very basic version. Those who are close know much more. I just fear that he is giving off the impression that I am leaving because of who he is.

Why wouldn’t I stay in the house and he move? Because he “isn’t in an emotional state to deal with moving.” Why not stay until he is? That could take another 18 years for all I know.

I love him and will always love him but I can no longer support someone who only cares about themself. There really is no support out there for the spouse/significant other. All the support out there is for the transgender person.

All that seems to matter is what he is going through and how hard this is for him.

So, maybe one day I will be more comfortable sharing more about our life together, but for now I think that is enough for the public.

Hoping to find a place soon and move on with my own life. I only hope the best for him but I feel as if he is running to find something new and fun.

I am just trying to live.

Forget December

Roxy — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 13:17:49 +0000

Sometimes that is exactly what I want to do. December was always one of my favorite months. I enjoy the family time, decorating, giving, etc that comes with this time of year. I hate the snow and the cold but in my decorated house I am warm and fuzzy.

As I get older I am having a hard time with the sadness that also comes with this time of year for some people. Many people get sad with the cold weather and it getting darker earlier. But for those who have lost a loved one this time of year it is extra difficult.

For me it started in 2006 when I lost my father in December. I don’t talk about him much but I do think about him. The following December a family friend passed away. A beautiful mother of two who was way too young to die. It just continues…. my one bosses father just passed two days ago, my friends brother, and the sad news that my mother in law is in stage 4 cancer.

December should be off limits for bad news if you ask me. But we have to try and continue on and remember all the good things about the people we love. Life is short. Make sure to spend time with your family over the holidays!

Happy Holidays and may Angels watch over you.

Work-cation

Roxy — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 13:28:53 +0000

Thats what this week is a work-cation. I don’t care if it’s not a real word I made it up. What does it mean? It means the boss is on vacation, the one who runs the office. I don’t have the feeling someone is staring at me half the day, no one is screaming, no one seems stressed. Work is getting done, the phones are still being answered and no one burned the building down.

Work-cation ends next Wednesday. It will be a sad day as the office boss spends the next few days looking for everyone’s mistakes and screaming about them all.

I had to take 6 buses yesterday.

The first two were to my doctor appointment in the morning. After the appointment I had to wait 45 minutes before getting a bus into town though. I then took two buses to work and 4 hours later took two home. I was damn tired.

So I was damn nervous to go to the doc. I always am but the last time I was there it was a nightmare. This time I was seeing my doctor though not the quack I saw last time. I love my doctor. He cares, he listens, he assesses and tries to help. I hate the nurses though, although I have honestly never seen them nurse a damn thing. They answer the phones, do paperwork and take your co-payment. Other than that there is a guy who does your weight and blood pressure. So I guess they are just secretaries. I have been going there since early adulthood and don’t remember them ever doing anything else. They are rude as hell and I warned my doc that I refuse to put up with it before.

Anyway, he wants me to take a medication daily for my anxiety. About a year ago he said the same thing to me. He gave me a prescription for Prozac. I filled it and never took it. I battle my anxiety way too often to rely only on an as needed medication anymore. Sometimes it’s just too much. The Klonipin works wonders and I only take it when it’s really bad but my nightmare appointment the quack doctor forgot to give me my prescription in the madness and refused to send to the pharmacy and I couldn’t afford anymore time off work at the time. I went all this time since that last appointment with expired medication and taking as little as possible when it was bad and sometimes not taking anything at all because I had nothing.

My doc told me that I deserve to be balanced and I really need to try.

So today will be my first day taking it……………

In July I will be taking my teenage daughter on a trip to NYC with some co-workers. I am so excited to go shopping! Top of my list is Chinatown. I also must make a trip to Mood for my youngest daughter and get her some awesome fabric.

Share your places to see, eat and shop with me in the comments.

Were not planning too many sight seeing stuff like the statue of liberty.

Hubby has an appointment with the neurologist this morning. Cross your fingers for us that they give him his licence back!

Look for my photography pics tonight and I need to catch up on my Worst Cooks in America posts.

Help Me Win!

Roxy — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 13:57:10 +0000

Please help me win!

Some of you may have read about my trips to Hilton Head Island, SC. It truly is a beautiful place. Some day I do want to move there but in the meantime I must make a once a year visit.

As many of you know from my posts my husband had a seizure in his sleep and as a result he lost his license for a period of time and in turn has been laid off from work. It is not an ideal situation for saving for a vacation.

Anyway on to what I am asking.

The 1st prize is a week vacation.

2nd prize is an Ipad.

If you are reading this from your smart phone please scan the image at the top and click “Like”

If your visiting from a computer or phone with mobile web you can use this link.

Votes are done via facebook likes, which keeps it to one vote per person.

Feel free to pass the link and/or image around!

If you want to read my Hilton Head Story and see the photo’s I submitted to the contest view the Contest Link.

Thank you to all my readers, friends and family for helping.

Thank you to my friend Mark for making the smart phone image for me and help in spreading the word!

If you want to book a trip to Hilton Head Island go to Resort Rentals of Hilton Head Island. They have beautiful properties and the staff are wonderful to work with!!!