Personal Day
Our Love <3
Apr 24th
I love that you kiss my forehead. There is just something so sweet about it.
I love the way you look at me. I can feel your love and your passion through your eyes.
I love that you hold my hand. Our fingers fit perfectly together.
I love your smile. It tells me you are as happy as I am.
I love that you take care of me. I don’t even have to ask you do it because you want to.
Most of all I love the way you love me. You know how to make me feel on top of the world. I love you too <3
The Best in Me
Mar 4th
I was depressed. I thought so low of myself. He probably had no idea what train wreck was about to come into his life. I was a mean and hateful person to many people. I knew that wasn’t me. I knew I was a better person in there somewhere. I just couldn’t see it for so long.
I feel alive.
It reflects in everything I do. I think more often before I speak. I wear brighter clothes. I look forward to waking up everyday.
YOU brought out the best in me my love <3. Thank you!
So Confused
Feb 25th
I am so confused on what to do with my life.
I am happy, don’t get me wrong. I love my sweetie, I have 3 wonderful kids, and I live in paradise.
I wouldn’t change any of that.
What more could I want?
How about a job that pays me what I am worth for starters.
I bust my ass in a retail job where I don’t have a set schedule and almost never have a full time schedule. The pay sucks, communication sucks, but I do enjoy the actual work. I work days, nights, and weekends depending upon what they schedule me for. Sometimes I have to stay late, on last minutes notice that occasionally puts me at a 10 plus hour shift. Sometimes I get asked to work on my day off. Sometimes I have 15 hours. I never know if I will be able to pay my bills from paycheck to paycheck. Because of the hours I can’t work another part time job without risking loosing hours at my current job since they change so often. I have no benefits and most likely won’t ever be full time or qualify for benefits.
Many of my readers know my previous job was a bit dysfunctional Yeah, that is putting it mid. We don’t need to go there but it was bad. I only got this job to put my daughter through private school.
Before that I was a mother and volunteer. I didn’t finish college. My daughter was struggling with her own education at a young age and It was more important to help her than finish myself. I gained some great experience as a volunteer that while many employers find wonderful they don’t seem to allow my skills gained there to be transfered to a career. That is my perspective.
I have a dream of opening a coffee/bake shop. I have started research and started working on a business plan. I don’t know if I can pull it off. Yes, I have some doubt. Should I continue if I have doubt? I have doubt that I will ever get an investor. It is so much work and for what? If it takes me nowhere is it worth it?
I chose to be a mom. I chose not to worry about a career. Never in that time did I envision that my life would be so different that I would need a job. Now that I am nearing 40 I am worried. Worried that all I will have is crappy, low paying jobs, with no insurance and expected to kill myself for that pay check.
I have thought about going back to school. I have thought long and hard about that business of mine I want to run. I am confused on where to go. In the meantime I struggle to pay the bills, and be able to pay for medical attention when I need it. I had lived in a ghetto in Pittsburgh for over 10 years. I lived with a moron of a husband in a run down house. I had no ambition other than I wanted my kids to have better than I did. I knew what to expect and it wasn’t much. I have since moved on. I left that moron and run down house and moved far, far away. Trying to survive outside the ghetto is harder than I ever thought.
Baby Talk
Jan 21st
I have 3 very awesome kids.
They may not have had everything, but they had love. They had me. They turned out pretty damn good if you ask me.
I’ve always wanted more kids. I was the type of person that wanted nothing more out of life than to be a mom. I never longed for a career or to travel the world.
I knew when I was with my ex that he didn’t want anymore kids. Which was probably a good idea considering. He made sure he couldn’t have anymore right after our 3rd was born almost 14 years ago. I gave up hope and moved on.
My sweetie and I have discussed the idea since he has no children of his own and I’m sure his family would be interested in the idea of him having one.
I know how he feels about the subject. I could tell you his thoughts but this is about me. HA! Naw its not my place to speak for him here.
But how do I feel about it?
I really don’t know.
Hell No Option: I have 3 great kids. I don’t have to change diapers or get up in the middle of the night. No crying, screaming or tantrums from the likes of a toddler. I can come and go as I please. I have enough things to worry about financially. My body isn’t getting any younger. I had easy pregnancies, yeah I am one of those, but at my age now would it be so easy. Would I be the same kind of mother I was?
Awww how adorable option: Then the thoughts of that bundle of joy roll in. That sweet tiny human you can mold into a model citizen. The cute things they do and say. Knowing that my sweetie would make a great dad. Seriously when I flew to meet him I saw it. While swimming in the hotel pool he started to play with another family’s kids in the pool. It was the cutest thing ever. Baby’s in the grocery store catch his eye.
When I moved I left everyone I knew with babies and toddlers. So I don’t get any baby fixes anymore. Though i wonder if thats what made me want it more.
Shout out: I miss my sweet little munchkin that I watched grow up and is now in school. I miss you Ava!!!
So far I am letting fate take its course and I think I am okay with that. Fate brought me here where I am happy. Eventually I will reach my personal cut off level in age and have to decide if I am content with my decision.
I Quit
Jan 5th
After almost two years on Prozac I stopped taking it. It helped me through one of the worst times in my life but it was time to let go.
It’s been over 2 months now since I quit and I couldn’t feel better.
My life changes have plenty to do with it but I feel so much better about myself.
I feel free. No panic attacks. No depression. Just ….. Roxy 
Wishing good mental health to all my readers.
