If you have been reading my blog you will notice I can be a very negative person. I do believe it stems from my parents. Unfortunatly it has been passed onto my children. Thankfully not as bad as far as I can tell but it’s there.

My husband and I have been going to marriage counseling since November. We needed to do something or move on. I can’t say things are hunky dorey but were learning to deal with each other better. In the long run whatever happens I think we will be able to talk better at least.

This evening I had a session alone. We talked about how I deal with our issues and a little about family. We had went further into family dynamics at an earlier session. There we discovered I have a huge disconnect with my fathers side of the family. I have found I would like to re-connect with them. The distance makes it difficult but it’s something I hope to work on.

During tonights session we talked about my letting go of things. She shared a few ways to help me do that. I used to do Yoga until I pulled a muscle in my back though I would like to start that again too. She pulled out a deck of cards and asked me to pick one. One? Lol I went through and wound up with 6. She asked me to narrow it down to 3 and I was stuck on 4. So we dealt with the 4. She was nice enough to make copies of the cards for me.

So card 1 stated on the front:
Rely on yourself
On the back it says:
Today’s lesson: look at the issue of dependency. Do you rely upon others to do what you should be doing for yourself? Healing is a solo endeaver, and while we all need support during this process, ultimatly the task of self-empowerment rests with us. Your goal: to identify and modify the ways in which you release personal responsability to others.

I do tend to make others responsable for things. One for instance is my happiness. I spent many years depressed thinking I needed validation from my husband to be happy with myself.

Card 2 front:
Let go of resentment.
On the back:
Today’s lesson: acknowledge one resentful feeling you need to release, and keep in mind that all types of resentment are poisin and harm the healing process. Your goal: to become mindful of your reasons for staying angry, and to begin letting go of negative feelings by the end of the day.

I know I’m resentful of alot of things. I resent my parents for not being strict enough, for abuse, and much more. I resent my husband for not always being what I want him to be. It doesn’t help me feel good and I need to learn to let go of some of these things for which I have no control over or have ended long ago.

Card 3:
Follow your dreams
Today’s lesson: point out one special dream or ambition that you’ve vacillated about or postponed. What has motivated you to put posative actions on hold? Your goal: to determine whether your excuse is real, and if not, identify the real reason you’ve delayed so that you can do something about it.

So it’s hard to make your dreams come true if you have all this unsettled negativity and built up anger. If you asked me earlier what is stopping me from my dreams I would have said my husband. But I have to wonder if it’s my relying on him for my happiness. We don’t share the same dream but I have to decide if that’s what I want with or without him. I guess these all need dealt with.

Last is card 4:
Eat healthful foods
On back:
Todays lesson: eat only foods that are good for you. Perhaps this is something you normally do, in which case you should feel very good about how well you’re caring for yourself. Most people, however, know that they should be more attentive to this area, but find it difficult. Your goal: to practice healthy nutrition.

This is something I have been working on. It’s difficult coming home from work and not just popping in something quick. I love to cook but even before my work days I cooked fatty, fried, you name it bad food. I cooked good food too. Finding foods we will all like is also difficult as well as it does seem to cost more.

So I am going to try and think of these things and continue to work on them. I can’t promise I won’t bitch or vent cause sometimes you just need to, but I will try to do it less as I know it only angers me more half the time.

With that said I feel better about things after that session. I don’t know what the future holds but I need to rely more on myself to be happy instead of expecting others to make me happy.

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