Archive for April, 2012
I struggle with being okay with myself. There are parts of myself I do not like. Everyone has that I am sure, but for me it’s kept me locked up emotionally.
I spent the past 18 years taking care of everyone but myself. I love my children more than anything and they know that.
I have spent the past year really working on myself and while I have come far I know I have more to do.
I know that I have many great things about myself. I have to let that part of me shine through.
I have to let other people in my life.
This is the begining of a new ME I am commited to doing what is best for me.
My faults are also the best things about me.
I’m honest. If I’m happy with you, you will know it. If I’m mad at you, you sure as hell will know it. I rarely lie.
I am caring. Too often I care far too much about everyone except myself. But when I care about you, you have all of me.
I am very open. Too many people know so much about me just from my blog alone. But you know the real me
The weather has been crazy this year. Our winter was pretty decent considering I hate the cold and snow and it was tolerable for me. It started getting very warm early in the year. I remember snow and ice in February not 70 degree’s outside and sunny. Not complaining one bit. If you add sand and waves I am home.
My moods are about as bi-polar as the weather these days. If it wasn’t for prozac I can’t imagine how much worse it would be. I get moody and cranky but they are a direct effect of life happenings.
Yes, in a previous post you read that my husband is Transgender. If you don’t know what that is basically it is when a person of one sex wants to be the other sex. So my husband wants to be a woman. Just about everyone knows now. And now he is questioning himself. I think he lied to his therapist about his family, therefore allowing things to go quicker and not involving us at all. He started this journey much earlier than when he started to tell people, it has been going on for awhile. I hope he figures out what he wants before he does something he can’t reverse.
So many decisions weigh on me. From moving, to being open to others, to what is important to me, to shit I just don’t stop thinking sometimes. All I know is I don’t ever want to go back into the dark, depressed hole I was once in for a few years. I won’t ever allow that to happen again. I just need to continue to ask for help and support from those who understand.
I am still painting, drawing, etc. It is a great creative outlet for me. I need an outlet to keep me sane. Between that, my best friend and my kids they keep me going. I have hope for myself to do what I want.
I think my non household family is getting the shit end of the stick on it all. I haven’t been talking to them much. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know. I am not where I want to be in life and I don’t want to keep talking about it. I am just trying to keep it together. I hope they understand.
Waiting for the sun and sand…….