Counting the days
May 17th
Counting down the days,
imagening you by my side.
Were both a little crazy,
along for the ride.
Lay with me in the sand,
and wait for the tide.
————-
What a ball of mush.
You make me.
I didn’t think it was possible.
I didn’t plan a thing.
—————–
“I just can’t get enough”
“I can’t get you out of my head”
“You are the only exception”
If I am wrong
May 15th
If I am wrong, I don’t want to be right.
I have thought about it and you know what he has a point. If it were reversed and he was talking to someone else (which has happened mind you) I would be livid. In my mind it’s okay because I tried for many years to make things right. I am not the one who said I don’t feel for you that way. Your actions have caused my reactions in how I feel about you. You telling me you don’t want me, seeking out an ex even if you now consider it a mistake played a part in allowing my heart to be open to someone else. The difference is I waited for you, you didn’t want me. I gave up. Oh but you don’t want me, you just think it’s wrong because we live under the same roof. I am okay with that if I am wrong. If it is uncomfortable for you I appologize for that but I never have and never would do anything to intentially hurt you. Not that your hurt, I know better. Besides that you were asked to move out, since your the one who didn’t want a husband/wife relationship.
You feel different about me now? And how is that any worse than my loving you and you neglecting me all these years? It does not phase me.
Though you may break my sprit every now and then I will not allow you to ruin my happiness. 
Patience
May 14th
Patience is something I have been known to have a lot of. I took gaggles of kids on camping trips. I don’t go crazy when a baby cries.
The one ulitimate test of patience was my husband. 18 years worth. My patience has run out.
You tell me you do not see me as a wife, yet as a friend. While you may think having feelings for another one of your friends or seeking out an ex you cheated on me with out of anger is okay, your wrong.
I have put up with you, loved, you, raised your kids, and waited for you.
I gave up. You knew that.
We already live seperate lives for the most part, so don’t dare tell me I am wrong for living mine the way I see fit.
You have done and do what you want, even before I gave up on you.
You refuse to move out, have refused over and over.
Until I have a place to call my own with kids and dogs, you will be free of me.
But please don’t forget YOU DIDN’T WANT ME! You let me go, now leave it alone.
I have yet to air all your dirty laundry, I have yet to be so mad I publicly tell everyone what kind of life we really had together.
I hope friends understand how much I am trying to take the high road and stay out of it as long as his friends stay out of my business.
I am taking a chance. It is the most crazy thing I have ever done in my adult life.
I am going to another state to meet someone I met on Facebook.
These things happen, even when your not looking for it.
My patience with you is up. Please let go.
On to happiness……………
Very Angry
Apr 26th
I so wanted and planned for things to end civily but I am not sure that can happen anymore.
I don’t regert marrying you, as we have 3 great kids I wouldn’t give up for anything. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
I am still attempting to take the high road. And by high road I mean I have yet to publiclly air every detail of our marriage or publicly bash you, as I so want to.
I have my faults but you have hurt me way too much. Let me leave peacfully. Allow me the courtousy of not making this any more difficult than it already is.
I gave you my heart and soul for many years. Regardless of either of our faults I supported you and loved you no matter what so please the least you owe me is to not be a huge douche bag and make things worse.
You owe me so much more than you will ever give me, but at least give me that.
I leave you to hurt someone else, though I don’t wish it upon anyone. The emotional roller coaster you put me through is something I wouldn’t wish on an enemy.
Don’t make me be mean to you…….
I am allowed
Apr 24th
I struggle with being okay with myself. There are parts of myself I do not like. Everyone has that I am sure, but for me it’s kept me locked up emotionally.
I spent the past 18 years taking care of everyone but myself. I love my children more than anything and they know that.
I have spent the past year really working on myself and while I have come far I know I have more to do.
I know that I have many great things about myself. I have to let that part of me shine through.
I have to let other people in my life.
This is the begining of a new ME I am commited to doing what is best for me.
The real me
Apr 22nd
My faults are also the best things about me.
I’m honest. If I’m happy with you, you will know it. If I’m mad at you, you sure as hell will know it. I rarely lie.
I am caring. Too often I care far too much about everyone except myself. But when I care about you, you have all of me.
I am very open. Too many people know so much about me just from my blog alone. But you know the real me
You said “What?”
Apr 4th
The weather has been crazy this year. Our winter was pretty decent considering I hate the cold and snow and it was tolerable for me. It started getting very warm early in the year. I remember snow and ice in February not 70 degree’s outside and sunny. Not complaining one bit. If you add sand and waves I am home.
My moods are about as bi-polar as the weather these days. If it wasn’t for prozac I can’t imagine how much worse it would be. I get moody and cranky but they are a direct effect of life happenings.
Yes, in a previous post you read that my husband is Transgender. If you don’t know what that is basically it is when a person of one sex wants to be the other sex. So my husband wants to be a woman. Just about everyone knows now. And now he is questioning himself. I think he lied to his therapist about his family, therefore allowing things to go quicker and not involving us at all. He started this journey much earlier than when he started to tell people, it has been going on for awhile. I hope he figures out what he wants before he does something he can’t reverse.
So many decisions weigh on me. From moving, to being open to others, to what is important to me, to shit I just don’t stop thinking sometimes. All I know is I don’t ever want to go back into the dark, depressed hole I was once in for a few years. I won’t ever allow that to happen again. I just need to continue to ask for help and support from those who understand.
I am still painting, drawing, etc. It is a great creative outlet for me. I need an outlet to keep me sane. Between that, my best friend and my kids they keep me going. I have hope for myself to do what I want.
I think my non household family is getting the shit end of the stick on it all. I haven’t been talking to them much. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know. I am not where I want to be in life and I don’t want to keep talking about it. I am just trying to keep it together. I hope they understand.
Waiting for the sun and sand…….
<3 ~Roxy
Broken Dreams
Mar 8th
Many people thought I was moving down South this summer. Geeze even I thought I was.
I really wanted to support my husband. I really wanted to fulfill my dream of being down south.
Unfortunatly I had to make a decision to walk away. It hurts. I question myself all the time.
It is not what I want but what I feel I have to do.
I would run away with him, but I don’t think he would go with me.
Through all the love and support I am not a wife to him, he doesn’t love me that way. So I have to let go. Though I question myself still. It is torture.
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me as I have allowed my feelings to build up. I am trying to be strong, hiding how I feel so that I follow through with my plans.
I am greatful to have a few people in my life that are supportive. They have no idea how much it means to me.
——————————————–
3/6/12:
——————————
3/7/12:
I know what I’m doing is best for me. But I can’t help but mourn my loss.
I am loosing the only person I wanted to love. I am loosing all the hopes and dreams I had for us.
I cry.
I don’t see this ever changing. It hurts to stay yet it hurts to let go.
I cry some more. I spent many years trying to change it, waiting. I can’t make someone love me no matter what I do.
I continue to cry.
————————————————————–
3/8/12:
The beach I fear I will never again see.
I needed to warmth of the sun to complete me.
Would it be wrong to run away and be free?
Or should I let go of yet another dream?
——————————————-
sigh……………………………………….
My husband is Trans
Mar 6th
Yes, my husband is Transgender. I have wanted to write about this for some time but I wanted my close family and friends to know before I wrote about it.
Sorry to shock those who didn’t already know.
We have been married 18 years and have 3 wonderful kids together. There were signs early on and we all ignored them, even him.
He was unhappy with himself and depressed. I was unhappy that we couldn’t seem to have a normal relationship. My own behavior at our problems was an issue. I spent many years working on it.
The final stage was when we started going to marriage counseling. I was an emoitional mess and could never figure out what was so wrong with me that my love went on deaf ears.
Through marriage counseling our counselor encouraged him to seek out help for being Transgender. We stopped going to counseling and he was dealing with himself.
I encouraged him to be whomever he wanted to be happy. I was ready to support him. Unfortunatly after all these years of supporting him no matter what he became more selfish than ever.
The end result is I am moving out. Not because of who he is, but because of the spouse/marriage partner/lover he cannot be. He is letting me go very easily to persue a new life.
So there you have the very basic version. Those who are close know much more. I just fear that he is giving off the impression that I am leaving because of who he is.
Why wouldn’t I stay in the house and he move? Because he “isn’t in an emotional state to deal with moving.” Why not stay until he is? That could take another 18 years for all I know.
I love him and will always love him but I can no longer support someone who only cares about themself. There really is no support out there for the spouse/significant other. All the support out there is for the transgender person.
All that seems to matter is what he is going through and how hard this is for him.
So, maybe one day I will be more comfortable sharing more about our life together, but for now I think that is enough for the public.
Hoping to find a place soon and move on with my own life. I only hope the best for him but I feel as if he is running to find something new and fun.
I am just trying to live.
Forget December
Dec 16th
Sometimes that is exactly what I want to do. December was always one of my favorite months. I enjoy the family time, decorating, giving, etc that comes with this time of year. I hate the snow and the cold but in my decorated house I am warm and fuzzy.
As I get older I am having a hard time with the sadness that also comes with this time of year for some people. Many people get sad with the cold weather and it getting darker earlier. But for those who have lost a loved one this time of year it is extra difficult.
For me it started in 2006 when I lost my father in December. I don’t talk about him much but I do think about him. The following December a family friend passed away. A beautiful mother of two who was way too young to die. It just continues…. my one bosses father just passed two days ago, my friends brother, and the sad news that my mother in law is in stage 4 cancer.
December should be off limits for bad news if you ask me. But we have to try and continue on and remember all the good things about the people we love. Life is short. Make sure to spend time with your family over the holidays!
Happy Holidays and may Angels watch over you.
